Conflict
Resolution
My son recently moved into an
apartment off base and decided it was time to “take stock” of his finances and
track where his money was going. In
doing so he discovered a rather large payment that was automatically deducted
from his account. Of course he contacted
me quite upset with his dilemma of
not knowing where this payment was going or for what purpose and assumed I
would know the answer and fix it. My son
was using anger and aggression to manipulate me into “fixing” his problem. My first reactions were to reassure my son
that it was very mature of him to get a handle on his finances, recognize his
frustration (O’Hair, 2009), and begin
formulating a plan to discover where the payment was being sent. I also used deep empathetic listening (The
Center for Nonviolent Communication, n.d.) to hear his frustration. During our discussion I was very cognizant of
the importance of “power with” my son. I
realized he was struggling with a very real financial dilemma and with learning
to become independent. Fixing his
problem would undermine his independence.
My course of action was to remain centered on the matter at hand and
steer clear of any personal attacks or blaming.
We worked on a cooperative strategy and a compromise by working together
(O’Hair, 2009 p. 212). I began asking
probing questions requiring specific and precise answers and specific research
to find the answers while always reassuring my son that each step of the way
brought us closer to the answer (p.215).
I knew my son was paying off school
loans via direct debit and he said he did not have any other payments made by
direct debit. His first step was to
contact the college to determine the source of his loans and then to ascertain
the loan company handling the loans. I
maintained a supportive climate providing my son an opportunity to explore
these avenues independently while explaining the purpose and remaining focused
and calm (p. 204). My encouragement and
support helped my son feel good about the research he was doing to solve his
own dilemma, while simultaneously learning important tasks involved in money
management. As it turned out, my son
discovered he was paying on a loan he forgot about and the loan required only
one more payment! We arrived at a solution
that fully satisfied both of us – win-win!! (p. 216).
References
O’Hair,
D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real
communication: An introduction. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s
The
Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). Foundations of Nonviolent Communication.
Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations
Wonderful example of conflict resolution. My father always wanted us to learn by example. We would open the bills and mark when they needed to be mailed on the envelope and placed them in the bill drawer. This was important because then I could help him pay bills by writing checks and mailing them. He taught me to be organized and know about my finances. I am still very diligent about my finances...turns out I married a financial analyst so he currently does most of the work. However, we do have a budget on excel and follow it closely. It is interesting to track our spending and we always find where some stores double charge us by mistake. Teaching responsibility is such a valuable lesson!
ReplyDeleteYay for a win-win at the end of it all! Conflict can be so painful, especially when it is with family. I can understand and relate so well to this story, Joey, and appreciate you sharing it. I have two sons, age 21 and 25. The 25 year old is very independent and has been on his own for three years since college. The younger one panics a little more about things like this (especially with finances) and has a hard time focusing to plan a strategy. It sounds like you truly were able to help your son and able to apply apply some of the wonderful principles that we are learning about communication and conflict.
ReplyDeleteCindy
Oh...you've got to love how hard our children work to manipulate us into taking on their problems! This is one of the primary teachings of the Love & Logic parenting philosophy--allow our children to make their own mistakes and take responsibility for them. We're not there to fix them, we're there to empathize and offer support. My daughter's only 10 and I want her to make all the mistakes she possibly can now--when they're not life-altering mistakes! It sounds like your reassurance empowered your son to largely guide himself toward resolution, instilling confidence for the next time he's confronted with something so baffling. And there are few things better than finding out you've paid something off!
ReplyDelete~Shawn
Hi Joey,
ReplyDeleteIt is always good to encourage and support our loved ones because it affects their person and attitudes. Encouragement and support from someone that is connected to us will lift their mood, improve their perspective and also motivates people to do better. When our loved ones know that they can count on us they will be motivate to try harder to prove how good they are.